Work is FINE, dang it!

I have determined that I should start a new blog. Ideally, one that gets updated more often than this one, but more importantly, focuses on the funny things people feel obligated to say to a single girl of a certain age (26...or nearly--happy birthday to me). By far, the most common one is (and this only occurred to me recently when I realized how many times I have answered this question in the past few months), “So…how is work?” Now, I have determined that the only reason people ask this question is because, quite simply, there’s nothing ELSE to ask me about. I mean, come on, there is no way THAT many people really care about how my audits are going. Most don’t even know what an audit is. Which is refreshing--it’s nice to know there are people out there whose lives don’t revolve around whether or not a reconciliation was signed by a preparer and a reviewer or a debt conversion transaction was accounted for appropriately.

See, in the normal, natural pattern of living (to which I do not adhere), a friend/acquaintance would ask after the general welfare of your nearest and dearest. How are your kids? Has Johnny learned the art of the toilet yet? Is Sally still teething? How is your husband? Did he get that big promotion at work he was hoping for? Has he managed to get that grill working? How was the family vacation to Disneyland last month? You know, that kind of thing. Unfortunately, my nearest and dearest are my parents and siblings (who get more social interaction than I do), my best friend (likewise), and my car (wouldn’t surprise me). So instead of getting the opportunity to brag about my kids’ advanced development and the relative perfection of the man who chose me to be his everything, I find myself saying, “Work is good. Pretty much the same as the last time you asked me. And the time before that. It really doesn’t change much, okay? What, you trying to rub it in?!”

Now, for all of you who have asked me how work is in the past six months, please don’t feel bad. I’m really not busting your chops, I promise. I know you are showing genuine concern for the one part of my life that overwhelms all the others, and I really appreciate it. I love you all. And let’s be honest, having someone ask you (albeit over and over) about work is not that bad. At all. I get worse questions and comments every day. So below I have included a few of my old favorites. Some of these I hear a LOT. Some of them I’ve only heard a few times, but they were horrible enough to lodge themselves in my head forevermore.

You dating anyone?
Why would I do that when I could spend so much quality time with myself?

You know, Lauren, the perfect guy doesn’t exist. The sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.
Sigh. I know. I guess I’ll just have to settle for Panhandling Jim over on the corner. Who needs standards, right? Or sanity. Love is overrated anyway.

You are SO lucky you don’t have to deal with having a guy around all the time.
Seriously…everlasting loneliness is infinitely preferable to the odd belch and constant dirty sock retrieval. And the whole “love and cherish you forever” thing is totally irrelevant.

Lauren, are you EVER going to get married?
Nope. I’m going to die alone. And in sole possession of the remote control.

Stop being so picky.
Sure thing. Next dude who walks by…step back, ladies, he’s mine.

It'll happen when you least expect it.
So I guess it's a bad thing that I wake up every day expecting it...

Have you ever thought about getting a dog? Maybe a cat?
Bite me.

Despite the snarky-ness of this post, I really do like my life. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love me, even if they don’t fall under the “HUSBAND” or “OFFSPRING” categories. I love the independence and freedom of being single, and believe it or not, I do enjoy the stigma that comes from being an “older” (at least in Utah) single woman. I have so much to make my life meaningful and happy, and thankfully, the sense of humor to appreciate the moments that would tend to make that life less, uh, joyful.

Here’s to Spinsterhood!