Fight or Flight

I think I might be a pampered princess. I don’t know, the jury is still out on that one. All I know is, there are parts of my life that many people would consider supremely exciting and perky, and for me they have become a drag. I really should have my gratitude meter overhauled. What I’m referring to in this diatribe are the hours and hours (and hours) of flight time I have logged recently. I work in an industry where business travel is expected, but as one of my clients is based out of Sacramento, I have to (get to?) travel more than most. In the unbelievable amount of time I have whiled away in airports in the recent past, I have had plenty of opportunity to contemplate the various aspects of business travel that drive me up the proverbial tree. So allow me to destroy all your future travel experiences by assaulting you with them.

1. Airport Parking

The first time I ever parked in the Economy Lot at the Salt Lake International Airport, I nearly had to call for air support. Have you BEEN in that parking lot? I doubt it, because if you had, you’d still be there. I’d really like the opportunity to steamroll the genius that thought up that brilliant layout. And it appears that airport administration has finally come to the same conclusion that I have, because now the lot is peppered with orange cones that are haphazardly blocking off one road or another—which, believe me, makes the whole experience even more pleasant. Thank you, you logistical wizards.

2. Shuttle Buses

Has anyone heard that Jerry Seinfeld tirade about New York taxi drivers? I’d like to echo his sentiments with one alteration. I would like to put forward the idea that New York taxi drivers are aspiring airport shuttle bus drivers—because you have to be in possession of some pretty powerful skills to be able to throw your passengers from their seats at every turn, but still manage to keep that luggage rack from detaching from the wall and killing them. It’s all a miraculous experiment in physics, really. Keep the 52,000 lbs of Samsonite completely motionless, but make sure the guy in the black shirt and loafers ends up with a bloody nose anyway. Mercifully, the Salt Lake Airport staff has provided an alternative to this risky mode of travel. They now have a walkway from the Economy Lot directly to the terminals. However, make sure you bring at least a gallon of water and some kind of bodily sustenance (and possibly a sleeping bag) with you, because that walkway could easily be likened unto the Boston Marathon race course. Add to that the fact that you are probably pulling 30 lbs of luggage behind you, and you’ve got the makings of the next Olympic sport.

3. Delta Check-In Kiosks

For anti-social weirdos like me, these kiosks are the best thing since sliced bread became deliverable merchandise. Minimal human contact—now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. I’m checked into my flight in two minutes, my baggage fee is paid and I didn’t have to talk to a single person to do it. Heaven bless the individual who determined that humans were an unnecessary evil in the airport check-in process.

4. Security

There’s really not much new rhetorical crap to say about this. Just rest assured that airport security remains as cumbersome, ridiculous, and downright disturbing as it has been ever since 9/11. I really do understand the necessity behind it all, but I have to admit, I tend to occasionally lose sight of its virtues while I’m screeching at the TSA representative, “You want me to take what off?!”

5. “Turn Off All Portable Electronic Devices”

Will somebody please explain to me why “Airplane Mode” isn’t good enough? Why the monkey must the phone be turned ALL THE WAY off? For crying out loud, it’s called AIRPLANE MODE. If it’s not good enough for an airplane, then somebody better take responsibility for correcting that misnomer. And if that weren’t bad enough, I have to turn off my iPod Nano too? I mean, I would understand if it were transmitting some kind of signal, but the poor thing is the electronic equivalent of a deaf mute. I think the airline industry has some kind of power complex. “You’ll turn off that iPod because…well, because…because we SAID so!” Tyrants.

6. Airplane Comfort (or the bloody lack thereof)

It is IMPOSSIBLE to sleep attractively on an airplane. Can’t be done. And I’m convinced they did that on purpose. After all, flight attendants are stuck in a metal tube for 95% of their working lives, they need SOME kind of entertainment. Watching the smartly-dressed business professional drool all over herself while she nods into the airplane wall probably provides them with some kind of malicious satisfaction.

7. Chatty Seatmates

As I mentioned above, I do tend toward the “anti-social” side of the spectrum, particularly when I travel (psychopaths travel too, you know—I like to think that being anti-social is what protects me from them). But sometimes you can’t avoid it—that irritating thing called conversation. And I think being trapped in single foot-by-foot space for a couple of hours is the very definition of “can’t avoid it”. In fact, some people carry that a step further, assuming that if you have the audacity to fly somewhere, you automatically sign up as a willing audience to their stream of consciousness. Just in the past couple of weeks, I have become the new best friend of the Grass-Valley-Water-Rights-Enthusiast, the HAZMAT-Certified-Fireman-from-Helena, and the Mining-and-Manufacturing-Company-Owner-Who-In-Case-You-Were-Wondering-Is-Also-A-World-Traveler-And-Prefers-To-Supplement-His-Already-Considerable-Income-With-Would-Be-Tax-Dollars (why do people always assume CPAs are tax accountants??). I have found that most chatty passengers tend to be middle-aged men, which, let’s face it, is awkward enough. But the situation immediately gets ten times worse when the response to the flight attendant's beverage inquiry is, "I’ll take three Bud Lights, please.” Suddenly you’re trying to cram yourself into six square inches of space next to the window while he leans over you, trying to charm you with his alcohol-induced wit. All the while, you’re trying to figure out which is worse, his beer breath in your face, or whistling into your ear. Gives me chills just thinking about it. Give me a snoring grandma or a screaming baby any day of the week.

8. Baggage Claim

How many times have I nearly fallen headfirst onto the moving baggage carousel as I attempted to lug a heavy suitcase over that ten-foot-high metal barrier? I’ll let you wonder, but it’s enough to merit a ranting. That, or I’m chasing my bag round and round like an idiot as I attempt to pull a duffle the size and weight of a fully-grown buffalo off the top of it. What do people PUT in those things? All I know is that they’re big enough to comfortably house thirty-seven pairs of skis.

Despite the fact that I have been griping and moaning for the past thousand words, I really don't mind the travel all that much. I get the opportunity to see new places free of charge (even if some of them are Cleveland), and while I sound as though I could cheerfully smother myself in my hotel comforter (don’t even get me started on THAT particular aspect of travel), I love the adventure and the variety. I mean, I love it without the actual travel part--meaning I wouldn't mind foregoing the shuttle-bus-induced bruises or near-barf-bag encounters with tipsy businessmen. But the places I see and the people I meet are worth it. So I guess all the complaints above could just be chalked up to amusing life experiences. And who would want to die without a few of those?